1:13:19AM
Wednesday, 6/5/2002

I have achieved the impossible. My mom said to me not to work so hard. She said she’d rather I be happy than successful. Too bad I don’t deserve it, I don’t work that hard.

But it felt good.

Yas told me today that he called Jennifer 3 times about work stuff and she never responded and he’s getting ticked off. I immediately got defensive. Yas has the right to be ticked off, but I won’t let anyone be mean to her. It’s like mom always said to me, she will hit me, curse at me, but she won’t let anyone else do it.

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Chris, you forgot. Not everything needs to explained and not everything needs to be understood. Some arguments can never be won at the moment, and if you don’t be patient you will never win it. Don’t be so pushy all the time.

Stop acting self-righteous, you are not better, only luckier. And don’t be a prick about it.

Did you think this was going to be easy? Don’t try to do great things if you can’t handle it. You have NO patience and NO acceptance; you don’t help, you hurt. Don’t kid yourself. Stop being such a bitch.

But still, you’re not completely blind and I commend you for that. At least you’re willing to be humble and confess your faults. Be careful though, you commit those sins at the cost of another’s feelings. Learn, don’t give up, your heart is right but that isn’t enough.

Do not forget: once you cut down a tree it does not just grow back.

Pray.

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God, I still can’t smile at people not treating me with as much care as I do for them. The bitterness swells up inside me and at that instant I wish I can undo everything I’ve done for them. But I know what I feel is humanly and you don’t like it. Help me though, help me love impossibly. I want to, but I forget that I do sometimes.

I know I must have not just a loving heart, but an accepting heart as well. I tend to judge very quickly and I am too sensitive to the faults of people. If I had a choice, I want to love the best of people and accept the worst about them.

So what do I do when I always get slapped in the face for trying to love unconditionally? Sometimes I want them to see what a difference I am to their lives by leaving them cold, I’m sorry… All want is to be appreciated for what I gave, it is the least I can ask for, and how is it wrong to expect gratitude? Ah I am so selfish…

I hate you for always making me the last. You say you love me; you would get mad when others hurt me, but you of all people hurt me the most. You know what is worse to think about? If you and I were to switch places you would not give to me as I have been giving to you, you would not take the initiatives to find out what heart and soul need, and you would not have the patience to bear me hurting you time and time again.

Sigh… but as long as I am capable I will always take care of you… I just want you to be happy even if you appreciate little what I do. Shh… shut up, don’t lie to me you don’t appreciate it. Maybe I do this to myself… I still dream you would be that one person who will show me love, I believe it because you once told me about it, and I fell for the dream. I know you meant everything you said, but like most people, you probably never expected to have to live up to your words.

You have made me the biggest fool in the world.

Yoda talk:

Much in need of God, I am.
Begun, Project 100 Days has.
Going to Disney Land tomorrow, I will be.
Close the blinds before running around naked, I shall.

Dear world,

One day, I will find the girl of my dreams, and I will be the happiest man alive!

Sincerely,
Chris

I just watched the movie “Unfaithful”, it broke my heart.

All you unfaithful people go watch this movie, then you might get a glimpse of what you’ve done.

“I gave my everything to this family…
and you threw it all away…
for what?”

Lord send revival
start with me
For I am one of
unclean lips
And my eyes
have seen the king
Your glory
I have glimpsed
Send revival
start
with
me.

God heal my sisters and brothers, make them happy. Even though I know you won’t, but I at least have the faith to believe in that slim chance of a miracle. You know, you would make me so happy if you change a life before my eyes. I want to cry when I say the words I live for you, but I’ve been drowning deeper and deeper in the lies of defeat. Each new battle has lost before it even begun. So God please, drag me out of this quicksand, I am so afraid of failing the promises…

I confess I don’t know God too well, but I don’t know the devil at all. Hmm…

Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck
I just felt like doing that.

I have so many wonderful, beautiful, awesome people around me. God bless you all and may you always live in His favor.

If I see you, I would never turn my back away…
If I see you, I would never look away…
If I see you, I would never turn my back away…
If I see you, I BELIEVE NO MATTER WHAT THEY SAY!

I wish I wasn’t so bossy and demanding, I am such a dictator.

I went to a seminar today; some CEO from some successful firm came and spoke about how he became successful. I want to be successful so I had to go listen to him. He had knowledge and wisdom, but he was not amazing. My age is truly my greatest advantage. See, I use to think to be successful one must be incredibly intelligent, but I learn today it’s actually about networking, it’s about people. That’s good news because I’m not incredibly smart, but I know people damn well. And if I think about it they makes sense, my clients work with me because they like my ways, they believe in my personality and they know I’m one of a kind. I’m 20; I just got a deal through that’s worth over than I can bargain for. CEOed at the age of 19 and a bunch of other cool things most of you have no idea about. Yeah all that sounds nice and beautiful but still I cannot amaze a crowd with a powerful speech like David Chang can, I don’t know all the cool vocabulary words and worst of all I don’t work too hard. So what is it about me that got me these great things? Don’t say I don’t know, you do know.

Information Computer Science Major
Management Minor
Digital Art Minor

I always forget you have to work hard for things.

Now let’s think about something interesting.
Hypothesis: No one deserves to be praised or blamed for their actions because everything is predefined.

Pretty people were given their beauty, as diligent people given their diligence. Honest people were born to be honest, and murderers born with the potential to kill. It just happened the society values certain things over others. When we make compliments on people’s modesty, genuineness, and bravery, aren’t those the same compliments as beauty, wealth, and inheritance? Smart people were made smart, they didn’t have to work for it; diligent people were made diligent, they didn’t work for that either. What is work then? And effort? How do we measure such things? I think the word behind all qualities is “luck.” You are lucky that you are beautiful; you are lucky that you are an honest person. But the world functions in the way that it does so the best we can do is recognize its ways and take advantage of it accordingly. If you don’t accept the rules you are in great disadvantage. But I could just be a lazy whiner trying to make incapability reasonable.

Regardless! I am going to work hard! The world is mine!

A career is like a relationship, while you have it it’s great, but you can lose it very fast and it will all go to nothing. I hope Innodio will never break up with me.

Father I need more of your kindness and patience, help me be more like you to others.

Crack on brother, I still think of you and pray for you. Do not forget, live 5.12 everyday.

God I am grateful of all my possessions, please don’t take them away from me. Your grace is dear to me and help me not fail you.

Love is easier than hatred, but it’s hard to understand that. It takes even ME a long to realize it, and each time I would take a long time to remember it, so don’t be too hard on yourself if you don’t get it.

Clap 3 times if you love me.

Damn, I visited my list of blogs and all but 1 are redesigned, made me motivated and guilty. I will!

Talked to Jason about Andrew’s progress today, he told me Andrew cried during last week’s tutoring session. It kinda hurt me but I know it’s good for him. But in the end, I won’t let anyone but me make my brother cry. I love you Andrew, do well for me.

I’ve been spending so much money lately on the new apartment, I really feel bad and somewhat scared. I feel like I’m wasting money and it’s going to come back to me.

I watched A.I. last night. People have told me it’s not that good but they’re wrong, they just didn’t understand the movie. I was very moved by it, great lessons and reminders.

Episode II was great, everyone should watch it. I want to be a Yoda when I grow up, humble and powerful. Keep it up George.

Yeah well, they tell me hating is to continue letting the hated hurt me. But the factor of time was never explained. Not hating is not possible, how do I deal with it?

Father I need you. Once again I confess I am alone and I’m scared of it. No one knows this but you, please be good to me.

I have bad temper like my mom, everyday I understand more why she despised me so much. But I’m not like that anymore, I wonder if she was that way when she was young. God please give me patience and acceptance.

People are nice to me when I do thing for them, and I always give to them. But when I want to say something no one wants to listen. They do their duty and hear me, but they don’t listen. I always listen to them. Is school really that important? More important than what I have to say? I would never put someone’s feelings after my own work, why won’t they do the same for me?

It’s so easy to tell when someone doesn’t care. I know you don’t care. Caring and actions go hand in hand; must you lose me to realize I’m here?

Oh is here, I hope she enjoys her time and go through breakthroughs.

God I need you! What do I feel like I’m standing still? I’m not happy!

People don’t like to be told they’re wrong, so you have to teach them without letting them know you’re teaching them. If people were humble then things would be much, much easier.

Pray for me right now.

So we went up to a place closer to God, swore, and were granted a new life. With this new life came more responsibilities any of us could imagine, but still, the oath was from the heart. A promise was made; one of those must not be broken or else. Then we had passionate sex and went home.

So much happened in one weekend, so much. At one point I felt this world is so dark, filled with so many bad things and bad people. It makes you wonder what’s the point of trying to do good. Maybe that’s how O feels. I was so hurt; no one messes with my family. Where is God? Why don’t you want to help? Sometime I feel God is a quality, like being pretty or smart. Some people just have it and some people never will. But they say God is just, and as long as you seek there will be answers. I really wonder sometimes.

Okay, graduation day is the goal. Chris, please be great, you don’t have 1 reason not to. You can’t just be a dreamer; you gotta back your shit up. No more plain potentials, get off your ass. If you fail, you will let your mom down. If you fail, you will never be able to help anyone again. If you fail, your pride will eat you alive. If you fail, you will be the biggest hypocrite in the world. DO NOT fail, too many people and great things depend on this. In the end, there will be tears, but it’s up to you whether they’ll be tears of joy or defeat.

I will never leave you; you will always have me to count on.

The position of President at Innodio Inc. will never be replaced.

5.12.02 is reborn day.

I've learned....
That the best classroom in the world is at the feet of an elderly person.

I've learned....
That when you're in love, it shows.

I've learned....
That just one person saying to me, "You've made my day!" makes my day.

I've learned....
That having a child fall asleep in your arms is one of the most peaceful feelings in the world.

I've learned....
That being kind is more important than being right.

I've learned....
That you should never say "no" to a gift from a child.

I've learned....
That I can always pray for someone when I don't have the strength to help him in some other way.

I've learned....
That no matter how serious your life requires you to be, everyone needs a friend to act goofy with.

I've learned....
That sometimes all a person needs is a hand to hold and a heart to understand.

I've learned....
That simple walks with my father around the block on summer nights when I was a child did wonders for me as an adult.

I've learned....
That life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.

I've learned....
That we should be glad God doesn't give us everything we ask for.

I've learned....
That money doesn't buy class.

I've learned....
That it's those small daily happenings that make life so spectacular.

I've learned...
That under everyone's hard shell is someone who wants to be appreciated and loved.

I've learned....
That the Lord didn't do it all in one day. What makes me think I can?

I've learned....
That to ignore the facts does not change the facts.

I've learned....
That when you plan to get even with someone, you are only letting that person continue to hurt you.

I've learned....
That love, not time, heals all wounds.

I've learned....
That the easiest way for me to grow as a person is to surround myself with people smarter than I am.

I've learned....
That everyone you meet deserves to be greeted with a smile.

I've learned....
That there's nothing sweeter than sleeping with your babies and feeling their breath on your cheeks.

I've learned....
That no one is perfect until you fall in love with them.

I've learned....
That life is tough, but I'm tougher.

I've learned....
That opportunities are never lost; someone will take the ones you miss.

I've learned....
That when you harbor bitterness, happiness will dock elsewhere.

I've learned....
That I wish I could have told my Dad that I love him one more time before he passed away.

I've learned....
That one should keep his words both soft and tender, because tomorrow he may have to eat them.

I've learned....
That a smile is an inexpensive way to improve your looks.

I've learned....
That I can't choose how I feel, but I can choose what I do about it.

I've learned....
That when your newly born child holds your little finger in his little fist, that you're hooked for life.

I've learned....
That everyone wants to live on top of the mountain, but all the happiness and growth occurs while you're climbing it.

Thank you Yumi.

Once again salsa is sexy, and so am I. I didn’t want to go today and I was actually thinking about quitting salsa for this quarter but I didn’t want to give up and now I’m glad. I danced so well today.

I moved. Villa Siena is where I live now. It has 2 bedrooms with a den; Italian theme. I love this place, very clean and classy. Brian and Andrew might come to live here this summer… I really hope they do, it’s going to be so much fun and awesome memories. C’mon God pretty please.

I don’t have a roommate anymore. 2 years with Yas has truly been a pleasure. I loved the guy and I certainly miss him.

I have so much work…

I am living in a lie. I was happy earlier but at this moment everything has changed. But this is the time to be strong and just work, work, work. Maybe I feel this way because God feels so far away right now and I haven’t spent time with Him…

All in all, I am lonely.

I am not God. If you don’t try then I won’t help you.

To all those I am mean to, please forgive me.

Some people don’t deserve any help; once a flake, always a flake. They will come to you if they need something; they will ask to borrow money from you with the intention of: returning the money only if they can, but probably not. If you can, don’t ever become friends with those people for they will only drag you down. They are lower than scums; they are the first to run away when things get a little hard. They keep words like friendship and brotherhood on the corners of their lips, but if you depend on them they will always let you down. They don’t ever learn and they are immune to conviction. Their selfish nature and background taught them to really care about no one but themselves. Their first reaction to confrontation is denial and anger, and they have the talent to convince themselves from the truth. You see, you can do everything in the world for them, but if you ever dare to say these words to them, they will drop the friendship so quick you won’t have the time to be amazed by their ungrateful hearts. So it’s just not worth it for the long run, for people never learn. People never learn.

You are a fuckin’ loser.

It’s amazing how some people can be so ungrateful. I know I shouldn’t expect people to remember what I did for them, but they shouldn’t forget either. I try to live like Him and just do good to others without expecting anything in return, but still I can’t help getting hurt when they don’t even appreciate it. Regardless! Life is good and I am grateful of everything that’s happening around me.

So the whole living situation turned around in 1 night. I’m now looking at an exciting summer with my best buddies… Was it you God? If it was, thank you… If it wasn’t, thank you anyway :)

Life is so rich! I am seriously one of the luckiest people alive. Maybe it’s because I suffered so much when I was young and now my time has come… who knows? My heart has been going out to homeless people these days… I watched a video in class and this homeless back lady was crying, she was crying, “ain’t nobody care ‘bout this woman man… ain’t nobody care!” There was so much bitterness in her tears, and so much pain and hatred in her eyes… I wish I can help her, I wish I can change her life and make her happy… but I never will.

I’d do just about anything to change lives… And surprisingly I think part of that actually comes from my own insecurities… weird eh? Everything seems to be rooted in my insecurities these days. I wish I could fly, I believe I can! I want to touch lives… I want to make people happy and I want to bring out the best of people… motivation, inspiration, and strength…

That’s why I have to be great.

What is wrong with me… I really should be happy; I have many things to be happy about. But I’m sad right now. Fuck him; I’m better than him in almost everyway anyway.

Fortune cookie: Your important associate will come to your aid, if needed.

God please refresh my motivation everyday. I don’t want to forget.

I am a dancer, because it’s either that or sinner. I stepped on many shoulders to get to where I am, I owe it to them to climb higher. There is a purpose for me here; I was born to do great things. What is worse than murder? Betrayal. You should just die. Do you think prayer is all you have to do? How many times must we come back to this place and cry the same tears? Enough is enough; I’m tired of your bull shit. What are your chances with fate? Would you rather sweat or regret? I said this before and I say it again, GET THE FUCK UP.

Father… hear my cry, for once again there is none but you who is there. God I’m so sorry, but now I see clearly what my actions mean. I pray for her God, I pray you would intercede and make it so she doesn’t have to be strong anymore. I pray that she would not have to be strong for our sakes; I pray she would not have to cry alone and sacrifice… God make me strong; make me powerful so I can bear all of her burdens. I feel the knifes of conviction and I see clear that my laziness means betrayal!! I would not betray her! Not after all she has sacrificed for me just so she could see me fly! I will have her proud of me! She would think of me with pride each moment and I would repay in that only way I can! God I will not be silent! I REFUSE to be silent! Oh God let me not forget! Help me be faithful to this promise and be faithful to the only person in this world that has been faithful to me all along…. Yes God… let this conviction last forever… whenever I want to fall or sleep somehow remind me of this... remind me the duties I have. I will be there for her and never leave her side… I promise. Kill me if I back out on my word. Bring her peace and joy God… let her rest… meet her! Do the impossible things to her… Here I make my vow… I will dance for her… I’m the only person in the world who understands just how much she has given up… how great this sacrifice has been… Even when the world leave you I will be by your side.. I will never, ever, leave you… You are.. the most important person in my life… without you I am nothing… I thank God for you, you are the most perfect Gift… a thousand thanks wouldn’t do…

Is it wrong to use anger and hatred as motivation? I don’t care I’m doing it anyway.

I think I need to find myself a girlfriend and live with her, that way she can wake me up every morning. If I don’t get up then she can have sex with me so I’ll definitely be up.

What’s worse? Ugly or stupid? I’m not ugly and nor am I stupid.

I’m ugly and stupid.

A treat to the readers. It's a manga called I"s.

Hello World! Have I told you lately that SALSA IS SO DAMN SEXY!?

I woke up at 5 AM today and I was thirsty. There were no drinks in the apartment so I went out to the vending machine to buy a soda. It was drizzling, everything was fresh and refreshing. I walked beneath a tall tree, and the ground, protected by the branches and leaves, was still dry. I felt very safe, very protected and even loved. Of all the times I’ve lived here I never noticed this tree until now. It was a nice find.

...I’ll be your tree baby

Boo yah!

I installed a script that allows visitors to comment on the posts! I’ve always wanted this feature and I thought I would have to stop using Newspro but there’s actually an addon to do this! At first the script didn’t work and I dug into the code and tossed out the bug myself! Perl is mah biatch! I’m so in the crack mood right now but I have to sleep and wake up for church soon :( It works! It works!

Today was one of the loneliest days… Perhaps the weather is to blame, but I require myself to be stronger than nature. I lose very battle, but that’s not the point.

It would be so easy if to hate was acceptable. Many would say “it is,” but as a sheep it comes with many responsibilities. Especially in this world of revenge and gossip, how can I deny the rules of the world and not be disadvantaged. Sometimes I just want to hurt people, hurt them twice as much as they’ve hurt me, or more.

I am lonely today because I have no companion; no place to belong. The void in me consumes me. I’m drowned within myself, within the emotions and dissatisfactions. I cry out not to be silent, but the shout withers away without notice. I’m too exhausted to shout again, so I crawl into the corner and die.

Where’s God in all this? It’s probably MY fault He’s not here. People say God’s love is unconditional… Really? Tell me, how is that true? It seems like this unconditional love only exists if you live under certain conditions. I am getting tired of this stuff not making sense.

I’m sorry God, make me more faithful. Please...

Wow, inspired. There are so many awesome blogs out there! I want to work on truethoughts.net chapter 3 SO BAD. I have so many ideas it’s going to kick butt. Alright Chris… you know you don’t have time, so the only way you’re going to have time is to USE YOUR TIME WELL!

Great… I got excited, now I can’t sleep.

I LOVE DESIGN

A story translated:

"You don’t understand me"

I stare at the heart twisting invitation in my palm, the card with the bitter perfume. Why did you invite me? I once cherished you so, how could you? Though you love me no more, I love you still!

Breathe in, breathe out, breathe in again, and breathe out. I breathe again and again.

I need to calm down, because I will go to your wedding. I will prepare myself to be the beauty of the crowd. I want everyone to think you’ve mad a bad choice; I want you to regret leaving me for that girl.

I glance at the mirror, a satisfied smile. This is the perfect outfit! With confidence I rushed to the wedding. The decorations stung my eye, but I maintained a poised smile and greeted friends and acquaintances. Slowly, I bleached away everyone’s awkwardness.

Isn’t it so? We spent so long with each other; everyone knew I was to be the bride of your life. But you had a change of heart, chose some ordinary girl. And I, I can’t believe I am able to stand here; even I’m surprised at me.

It’s a good thing that I’m known to have a small appetite, or people might notice how difficult it is for me to swallow this food. You smile with pride and happiness lingers on the corner of your lips. And her… she’s like a peaceful dove, content to be by your side. She doesn’t make a sound, yet I am defeated by her smile.

“I’m glad you were able to come.” You said to me as the guests depart.
“It’s your wedding, of course I’d come.”

I tried to remain control of my tone; I want to sound like I don’t care at all.

“You’ve found yourself a good wife!” I smiled at her, and she softly smiled back.

“You bet! You and her are complete opposites. You’re independent and confident, the glow you carry with you… it’s like you can live beautifully even without me. And her…” Bringing her into your arms and gazed at her gently,

“She’s not like you. Without me, she would cry.”

Wordless, I forced out the last smile. “Congratulations!” A soft handshake, with my back straight, I departed with the rest.

Go to the door, I could hold my tears no more. All this time, you never understood me. You only saw the part of me that is strong, but missed me completely. Without you, I cried too… You don’t understand me, and why should I cry for a man who can’t understand me? But, the real pain of the past love, how could it be easily wiped away? Though you don’t understand me, still I can’t deny I once deeply loved you.

I’ve lost, no matter how casual I force myself to act, and how careless I try to seem. I still lost, lost because you’ve never known me.

I’m starting to appreciate the long drives on the weekends, I learn incredibly much through reflection. I love music; it’s got to be one of the best creations of Him.

God says, “You’re forgiven.”

Once I find God, it will be game over for the devil.

I’m not sure what I learned from the movie, “Monster’s Ball.” The Halle Barry scene was definitely a pleasant surprise… it was nice to see that everything went on regardless of all the darkness. I think the message, or at least one of them, was, “If something in your life is bad for you, get rid of it.”

Happy birthday to you~
Happy birthday to you~
Happy birthday dear Andrew~
Happy birthday to YOU!

Everyone who reads this go wish the President of Innodio Inc. a happy birthday here. Do it.

I’ve come to realize that I am disgustingly skinny. I will eat right and workout diligently from now on. I want to be on fire this quarter, and I pray the fire will not only last but become a storm. God give me strength.

So what am I supposed to make of this good fortune I have? Why did You do it? What do You want me to do with it?

“Hi, I’ll take 50 wisdom please.”
“Sure, that’ll be a total of 50 innocence.”

I’ve been forcing myself to learn to be immune to others’ resent against me. Ignorance is bliss, but could it be that that is the hideout for the weak? See! I told you ignorance is bliss!

Sleep well; I love you.

Salsa Intermediate was a tough time for me, most of the people in there already know salsa really well, I guess no more being the best guy dancer in the class for me.

I really hope I’ll do well this quarter. God please help me.

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Maybe it’s true that when people get too close they are doomed to reveal their differences. I can’t think of even one person I got along with perfectly. Why can’t people just accept the faults of another person by default. I think love is the key. If you love them then you would see pass the annoying things they do. Yeah, I don’t think it’s me. My roommates are too immature to accept my faults, and I cannot accept that about them. If they believed in God then perhaps they would check themselves; if I didn’t believe in God then I would “handle” this situation, but I will try not to because I want to be like Him. I wish I was a more likable person, and I wish I wasn’t so insecure. At least I’m good at covering it; most people don’t know I’m insecure. I just want everyone to like me, but that probably is too much to ask. God, for you, I will not make the moves I want to make. My insecurities don’t make me weak, but giving in to them will, so I will not.

Maybe it’s because I’m very different, and as much as people don’t like to admit, they don’t like different things. So it’s true, I don’t belong. I guess I’m supposed to make friends with more open minded thinkers.

God, I’m ready to die. Take me.

So much happened. So much to think about but the praise night occupied my mind; I know what I thought about must be important to me or else I wouldn’t unconsciously start thinking about them the day after.

“Are you over her?”
“Yes.”

“Are you over her?”
“…No.”

I suddenly find myself in a withdrawal, but maybe I was in it all along. The difference is, knowing I’m in a withdrawal makes it more painful.

I know it takes another girl for me to be over her, it’s either that or push her out of my life completely. I love her, so I’m left with only one choice, no choice.

Her fears are rooted in her own insecurities. Everyone’s like that.

I am so tired of this place… tired of coming back to this feeling. Indeed, watching the firecrackers from afar is better; it will burn you if you get too close. But we’re supposed to be best friends… I know she wouldn’t be any better than me at handling this if she was alone too. Why am I always the one in the bad situation when it comes to us? First the dorms and now this. I am cursed! That really makes me mad, it’s just not fair. I know if she didn’t dorm then she would have needed me, and I would have been there, and things today would be different. Wait… maybe it’s not so unfair after all. I don’t really want things to be different. I might want her, but I’m glad I’m not with her. I want her to want me but I want someone who is not her. So I guess God did me a favor after all and I just don’t understand his ways too quickly. But… if I was with her then I wouldn’t know I don’t want to be with her, and ignorance is certainly bliss. Damn I’m all confused up now. Fine I’ll just pile myself with work and not think about it. I hate escaping things!

Philip gave me the $10 for his philipchoi.com today. For some reason I respected that so much, probably more than it deserves. I wouldn’t have taken the money, but I did because it touched me. My roommates never pay me back for things unless I ask. I hate that, I don’t like feeling I’m deliberately being taken advantaged of. People think just because I make good money so I shouldn’t care about small amounts. I’m sorry but it’s not up to you to decide! Even if I was a billionaire I would still be against wasting a single grain of rice.

I was a popular kid back when I was going to school in Taiwan. When I moved to the States to my mom, I had to leave many friends behind. There was only one friend that actually kept in touch with me; she’s the girl I used to have a crush on. She would write to me and I would write back; when I don’t write she would still write from time to time. The last time I was in Taiwan, which was about 6 years ago, I saw her again and we had lunch together. She already had a boyfriend, but that was okay because she was only a friend. I paid for our lunch and it was quite expensive, but of course I had to do it. It was a Chris thing to do.

I keep all my letters and cards in a basket; I learned to do that from Annie. One day I came home and the basket was empty; it turned out that my housekeeper threw everything away because she thought the basket was a trashcan. I was furious; I lost all of my letters of meaning including the address of my friend, not to mention all the letters and cards from Annie. Annie was really important to me at the time. So I had no way to write to my friend. I dug up her phone number but that didn’t work either. Then I moved, so if she had sent me more letters I would have no idea.

So now I lost ALL of my friends from Taiwan.

From time to time I would call her number hoping it would connect somehow. It never did. I really wanted to know what’s going with her, and perhaps through her she can help me remember the other friends I used to have.

This morning, as I was flipping through my organizer, her number showed up again. I called, several times, but the operator told me it has been disconnect and I was asked to check the number and try again. I did, and I even tried her fax number. Then I thought maybe the system of phone numbers changed in Taiwan, so I called my dad in Taiwan to ask him. He said it was still the same, but he took the numbers from me and her name and said he would help me find her. I then went onto Taiwanese people search websites to look for her. I barely remembered the name to input in the search box but found no match. I then searched for her name in Yahoo Taiwan; many listings returned, and I gathered a couple e-mail addresses of people who had her name and sent them a message asking them if any of them is the one. I was hoping to get lucky.

About ten minutes later, my dad called me back!

He told me the number I gave him is correct; he called and her sister picked up. He learned for me that she doesn’t live at home but around school and he left his number. It turned out that I wasn’t getting through with the number because I didn’t add a “2” before the area code. So instead of “011 886 2” it’s actually “011 886 2 2.” So she’s found at last! I can’t wait to talk to her and catch up on all these long years! Thank you!

Hey Chris, good luck on your finals. It seems that you've been going through trying times. As your brothers, Andrew and I will be there for you whenever you need us. Study hard, and live hard (I don't know if that made sense). Peace from SG #3.

They said red bull gives you wings, but I didn’t know they were telling the truth.

I have decided to go to Canada in the end of June and Taiwan in July.

I think I’m finally coming back to it all again. God is indeed faithful and I do hope the worst is over. I had an epiphany today; I am reassured that there is no such thing as “I don’t know.” If you think really hard you can always figure out why. I guess it’s okay, and it really humbles me to admit to what I finally realized.

Please just love me regardless of who I am.

I love you baby… I miss you.

Chinese is so beautiful… the language itself is poetry. I’m in awe, I’m in love…

On the way home from my mailbox today I decided to get some El Pollo Loco. I considered drive-thru, but I wondered why I wanted to eat at home. Why am I always so eager to go home? What’s to look forward to at home anyway? Besides, if I eat “for here” instead of “to go” I get to use as much green salsa as I want.

I’ve been thinking a lot these days; I always do at times like this. I realized it’s not that I don’t like people talking shit, but really that I’m scared of it. It bothers me too much to know people talk about me behind me, so I openly oppose shit talking. I’m scared of people not liking me. I know I’m not one of those people naturally loved by everyone, so I try to work for it. I claim to be for realness, but I just might be the biggest fake of all. Ouch… how scary would it be if I knew that. I feel like I’m always screwing up my relationships with people. There’s something about me that everyone will learn to hate as long as I give them the time and distance. Thinking back, I can’t think of one person who didn’t see the ugly side of me and despised me. Glen, Andrew, and even the all time nice guy Brian; you’ve got to be a pretty bad person to make Brian not like you. But now, I don’t think I’m no longer that bad person, but they just know me now and accepted certain things about me. But with these people I am also the most free, because I don’t have to hide as much. I really wish I could be a likable person…

Everyone think I should be with Kalle again, like in a relationship boyfriend girlfriend type of thing. When I read my blog sometimes, I feel stupid reading the many “goodbyes” I had with her. I bet when people read them they think, “There he goes again.” I really meant everything I wrote though; I don’t think I’m just another one-of-those. But maybe all of the one-of-those think the same, and that makes us all one-of-those after all. People think love is all it takes for two people to be together, but I know that’s not true at all. People think as long as you have love then everything will be fine, but I know sometimes love can be the very thing that makes everything far from being fine. I wish they can be right though… sometimes I just don’t want to fight on anymore, why do I have to be strong to be happy? The truth is, I have to be very important in her life. The only persons I allow to be more important than me are her family. Sigh… I focus on the unreal things too much sometimes. I mean, after all, there are things of her that only I have. I think I’ll feel better once I can accept the fact that I can’t be the best in every possible way to her eyes. I feel that’s the only way I can ever feel comfortable/worthy to be with her in a relationship. So it’s not just her, it’s me too. I don’t want to face the fact that there are qualities in the guys she’s been with after me that are better than me, and I’m too scared to face it so I just give my defensive frown and say I don’t want it when the truth is I’m too scared to have it. But I think part of this is triggered by her too, I don’t have the confidence that she won’t leave me when the better guy shows up. And I don’t want to be hurt again. This might be very unfair to her, but I can’t deny how I feel and I’m not the only one responsible for the way I feel. I know I love this girl, but I’m also pretty sure I’m not in love with her anymore. I can’t be in love with her when I can accept her having a boyfriend. But maybe I’m just smarter that I learned to accept it even though it’s not full acceptance. What am I doing trying to figure myself out? I thought I learned long ago that it’s not possible?

I sit around sometimes and I really wish people didn’t have to fight. I mean, what else can we do in this life besides collecting good memories and take good pictures (yeah yeah serve God blah blah blah shut up)? The one thing that lasts the longest is memory, and even that doesn’t last very long. I really miss the wonderful times I had… I miss them so much.

Going on an AOL Instant Messenger fast until finals are over or until I change my mind. Until then, farewell my loved ones.

“But I tell you who hear me: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you. If someone strikes you on one cheek, turn to him the other also. If someone takes your cloak, do not stop him from taking your tunic. Give to everyone who asks you, and if anyone takes what belongs to you, do not demand it back. Do to others as you would have them do to you.”

Does this mean I get to kiss pretty girls?

“If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you? Even ‘sinners’ love those who love them. And if you do good to those who are good to you, what credit is that to you? Even ‘sinners’ do that. And if you lend to those from whom you expect repayment, what credit is that to you? Even ‘sinners’ lend to ‘sinners,’ expecting to be repaid in full. But love your enemies, do good to them, and lend to them without expecting to get anything back. Ten your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High, because he is kind to the ungrateful and wicked. Be merciful, just as your Father is merciful.”

“Do not judge, and you will not be judged. Do not condemn, and you will not be condemned. Forgive, and you will be forgiven. Give, and it will be given to you. A good measure, pressed down, shaken together and running over, will be poured into your lap. For with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.”

“Can a blind man lead a blind man? Will they not both fall into a pit? A student is not above his teacher, but everyone who is fully trained will be like his teacher.”

“Why do you look at the speck of a sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, ‘Brother, let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when you yourself fail to see the plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.”

“No good tree bears bad fruit, nor does a bad tree bear good fruit. Each tree is recognized by it sown fruit. People do not pick figs from thornbushes, or grapes from briers. The good man brings good things out of the good stored up in his heart, and the evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in his heart. For out of the overflow of his heart his mouth speaks.

“Why do you call me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ and do not do what I sat? I will show you what he is like who comes to me and hears my words and puts them in to practice. He is like a man building a house, who dug down deep and aid the foundation on rock. When a flood came, the torrent struck that house but could not shake it, because it was well built. But the one who hears my words and does not put them into practice is like a man who built a house on the ground without a foundation. The moment the torrent struck that house, it collapsed and its destruction was complete.”

The truth: I’m not as strong as I think I am.

The truth: I’m not as strong as I thought I could be.

The truth: Being strong will always be hard, not matter how many times you’ve done it.

The truth might be that it takes only one day to get attached all over again and it won’t hit me until days later.

Yeah, you know it must be the truth when it feels good to say it.

Question: Do I?
Answer: Every time I think about it.
Note: I’m not talking about love.

Solution:

If asked how I am, I’d probably say I’m depressed. But I’ll tell you I’m quite alright, or quite okay. When I sleep I don’t feel a thing, so sometimes sleeping is good. But sleeping doesn’t get anything solved, and I don’t believe in standing still. I talked to my 89 year old friend today, I told him about my problems and I asked for advice. He suggested amnesia and asked me if I ever looked her straight in the eye and ask why. I think I was sad the entire day today, and I still feel the rejection around me. I try to put up a smile because I was afraid my depression might go off as coldness. Truly, the only person that can press me down is me. If that’s true, then I must also be the only person responsible for any success. But my religion tells me if something good happens it’s because of God. So… everything is ultimately up to God? There must be more to that. When I got in my car today it was so quiet that I could hear myself breath. I waited and felt what it was like then I drove off. I feel like I don’t belong anywhere. I really want to belong… My insecurities drive me to be great, because people always like the better. But no one was ever to be the best at everything; I don’t even know anyone who’s the best at one certain thing… How am I supposed to live then? Why can’t everyone just love me for who I really am? Why did God make people this way? Tomorrow I will still be asking the same questions, but I will feel better because people always forget. There must be a way to live happier, some set of rules to follow. Honestly, I am also scared to end up all alone in the end. What if she never comes around? If God really is the answer to all things then why doesn’t he want to? Church tells me God wants to, then why the hell doesn’t He? Why can’t I appreciate without losing? There must be more… I know I must be lucky because I have all these things, but how do you measure it? Talking is so much easier than acting. I wish I can run away from it all, relive life and try to not screw it up as much the second time. Man I really am depressed… I’m not just lonely… This is bad… I’m trained to remind myself to be grateful at times like this, because there are people who are depressed everyday blah blah blah… I really don’t care right now. I don’t feel good and that’s that, I don’t care about other people I just want me to be happy. I’m frustrated, but God is supposed to be carrying me through right now. I wonder if He really is. But if He is… I don’t feel it anyway, so what’s the point? What I don’t know can’t benefit me. Yeah that’s it! What is the point of God doing good if I don’t know it? Am I supposed to always guess? Glad to have that one figured out.

Whoa... these WB series can be quite powerful... I'm going to turn it off right now.

This goes out to you, and G.

I’m sorry…

I realized that my heart cannot ease because deep down I feel you’re supposed to make up everything to me. Maybe it’s because I see you trying to make it up to everyone else, so I feel I would get a turn too. I’m sorry that I’m a hypocrite, at the very moment as I expect you to repay me I already said in my heart nothing you can repay is adequate. But I’m starting to see that it’s worth it, the love we share now helps me believe that. I don’t feel greater; instead I realize I too need forgiveness from you. Forgive me as I say this… why should I not forgive when God accepts me? How dare I not? I guess I’ve been selfish, I only saw me. I love you so much, and I am thankful for every decision you and I made that brought us where we are today.

Thank you for your prayers; God is faithful.

I declare that NO ONE in this world understands me completely. Even when I think someone does, I am wrong. But what do I expect? After all no one’s there for me when I need someone. I wish I can do the same back at you!

Stop whining; you’re annoying. Get over it already.

Listen, don’t you ever, ever, ask me to let it go. You of all people have not any right to ask that of me. You think I don’t want to? You think I like this bullshit?

You know that really hurts… After all this you never listened…

I am confused no more. AND I DON’T CARE IF I’M WRONG!

I believe: when you wrong 10, it takes 20 to make up.

-50…

I don’t know! I don’t know! AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! I’m not that smart!!

God make me humble RIGHT NOW! Give me a big heart RIGHT NOW! OR ELSE!

God take me out of here, I’m tired of it. I’m ready for eternal happiness.

Pick up line: "Did you fart? Cus you blew me away..."

I think I've been confused lately... Certain things I was sure about are now evaporating and I don’t know where to allow my faith free. Being happy is surely a lot to ask, but at least I believe in it?

What if no one can do it better than I can? What if no one could understand it more than I do? Why do I even care? She didn’t care so I shouldn’t either.

I thought God put me here to evangelize, but now I’m starting to think it’s for something even bigger. God put me here to make people happy. Okay, I will do that.

I just want someone to hold hands with, someone to kiss goodbye. I want to belong; I want to be a part of. If I’m allowed to be a little greedy, I want someone I can sleep next to. I still want to wake up next to her and enjoy the little things in life. A walk on the beach is played out? I don’t think so.

God I leave it all up to you. Each day I am dying so help me live for you.

I want to scream I love you, but you wouldn’t hear me. So I’ll just feel this way and be in love without you. With you, the bigger things in life are bigger than before, and each breath is more grateful, more content. All will be in awe if the truth of what I claim can be seen, but this is probably why good things come to those who have the patience to find. That truth is my love. Do you love me this way too? If you didn’t, I hope she will.

I want to hold you through warm air; I would close my eyes so my vision would not take any of you away from me. But once in a while I would still peek just to be amazed once again. I don’t want to be afraid of ever losing you. I want you to last; I don’t want fear to be my reminder, but your sweetness. Don’t just be a dream, instead share my dreams and yours with me, then failure would never be so bad.

Would you like to dance with me?

I can turn anything into strength, except for laziness.

Do you believe in the power of prayer?

The airport had always been exciting, I loved going on a long car ride and waiting by the gate for relatives returning from far away. This time though, I was the star of the airport. I was waiting for the most important person in the world.

I’ve only heard stories of her, how sweet and beautiful she is. I took pride in her, not only for being the prettiest of the seven sisters, but also for being the prettiest mom in the entire world. She’s gentle and she could sing; no son had more reasons than I to be proud.

I don’t recall the wait to be long even though it should have been, and I didn’t even catch her the very instant a part of her body revealed from the corner. I did however, lose all senses of everything tangible and began to step forward. I was not walking; it was not my will; but I just did. When I felt it was close enough I called out weakly, “Ma ma…” It is not Taiwanese custom to hug, not even hugging a family member. But I grabbed onto her anyway. We stopped in the middle of the weary crowd as the clock waited, I cried. She said, “Wo men huay jia.”

“Let’s go home.”

Later my aunt told me she was crying, and my other aunt told me the same. It was a fairytale where the prince and the princess lived happily ever after.

---

Life is tough; life is real. Sometimes the most precious images only exist in the mind, and that is why some choose not to take two dimensional photos. The mom outside of my dreams gets angry, frowns, and disciplines. Slowly, I could no longer remember how she used to be before she came alive; at times I even preferred to have her back. But I’m all grown up now. And each day my mom becomes once more how I think I remembered her, except in a different way this time.

So maybe this is me meeting her for the third time.

Today I dance.

You can make me fall but you can’t keep me down, for He is with me and He is better than you. My apathy is not worth the victory; His work is my motivation and my brothers are my confirmation. I am a commander of God carrying the book of the Art of War; be very afraid. Pride? Yes I am proud. I will NOT be silent!

I love you K.
I love you A.
I love you G.

Amen. Glen believes in God.
03/08 is say 11 day; everbody say 11.

I Hope You Dance - LeeAnn Womack

I hope you never lose your sense of wonder,
You get your fill to eat, but always keep that hunger.
May you never take one single breath for granted.
God forbid love ever leave you empty handed.

I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean.
Whenever one door closes, I hope one more opens.
Promise me that you'll give fate a fighting chance,
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance…

I hope you dance.
I hope you dance.

I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance,
Never settle for the path of least resistance,
Living might mean taking chances,
But they're worth taking,
Loving might be a mistake,
But it's worth making.

Don't let some hell bent heart leave you bitter.
When you come close to selling out, reconsider.
Give the heavens above more than just a passing glance,
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance....

I hope you dance.
I hope you dance.
I hope you dance.
I hope you dance.

I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean.
Whenever one door closes, I hope one more opens.
Promise me that you'll give fate a fighting chance,
And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance…

Dance.
I hope you dance.
I hope you dance.
I hope you dance.

Father I am sorry I have sinned. Thank for have been faithful and answering the prayer I made while I was still sane. Let this last Father, let this be my weapon against all temptations. I don’t want to shame you and live the life of a hypocrite. I want to honor your name and be an example in my daily testimonies. Give me the strength; give me the will power that will defeat matter. This is my sincere request; thank you for not giving up on us.

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I have concluded the following about you:

----------
boolean theWorldExists = true;

while (theWorldExists)
{
anyHopeOfYou = null;
}
----------

Those with no words of real content are the real minute-man. Yes, minute-woman exists too.

Without inner beauty you are as pretty as a piece of wrapping paper.

Twice a cheater, always a cheater.

colorgenics.com:

Your mind is never at rest ..You are continually striving to influence all those about you. You have some excellent ideas but you persist in trying to persuade others just how great your ideas really are. Maybe you are trying too hard...Take it easy... remember - "Everything comes to those who wait".

You are very self-sufficient and methodical. You presume to know where you are going.. but need to find a person who will recognise the way you are ... not be too demanding and who is, as they say in Italy, "Simpatico".

You are feeling under considerable pressure and you are being forced to make concessions. You are not particularly happy with this state of affairs but you feel that you have no alternative. If you were to force issues you would be left out or completely ignored by one and all ...

For whatever the reason, you find it extremely difficult to sustain relationships ... that is, to sustain them in the manner that you would wish. You are a very gentle sort of person ... full of feeling, sensitivity and susceptible to love and affection ... looking and longing for a partner with whom you can enjoy "All things bright and beautiful".. someone with whom you can seek out the more esoteric things of life. But up to now this person has only existed in your imagination. You are very choosy, appreciative, refined and extremely artistic in temperament and it is your hope to seek others who will allow you to form and express your own taste and judgement, and who at the same time may assist you in your intellectual or artistic growth.

Matters are not all that they would appear to be and you are critical of the existing conditions which you feel are confused and disorganised. You are therefore looking for a modus operendi which will simplify the situation so that you will be able to see the "trees in the woods".

One day
you will lose everything
if you
keep this up.

Get the fuck up.

I was so touched.

I just watched “Father of the Bride”, it was so sweet. I think I can imagine myself getting married… my parents would be there, my beautiful siblings would be there, my friends would be there… After I kiss the bride and walk back up the aisle, Andrew will be cheering for me and I would share every bit of pride with him. Everyone would be so proud of me, and I would be so grateful.

I can’t help to be reminded of Kalle, I believe that’s something she used to dream of. The late night talk before the big day, walking down the aisle, leaving the hands of her father and stepping up next to her companion, her new life… the most beautiful wedding every girl dream of. I really wish one day those things will happen to her. She would find the him and she would have the blessings of her parents. I believe I would be there too, and perhaps I would feel like crying because I feel so many things. It would be like seeing my own daughter go. I would hug her, and with the hug she will know I am so happy for her.

I think her dad would like that for her too. From the little things I hear of him I know he must. The picture for her sweet sixteen, the random flowers, the thoughts… He’s just a little lost I believe, he doesn’t want her to ever leave his pocket. I really understand where he’s coming from, and I wish things were better for him too.

God would you make these miracles come true…

There was lots of rain, lots of annoying rain. The first graders were routinely lined up and excited only because school was over. I dropped my bag, the books scattered on the wet ground that was covered with grey rain.

I was a year younger than everyone else because grandfather knew the advantage of youth. My teachers told them I was behind and I was too young. She was probably right because I never knew what I was doing in school; it never made sense.

I didn’t know what to do now. I need to pick up my books but they were all wet. My heart sank as I realized what I’ve done. But I had to pick them up; I didn’t know why but I just knew it had to be done. So I reached, and another hand also reached…

I looked up; it was my mom. She smiled at me; the warm smile told me she loves me. I started playing with my classmates because I was so proud. They probably didn’t care though, for they always had a mom with them.

I will always remember what it felt like when I looked up and saw my mom.

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Why am I such a weaksauce?!

If I could hit you without feeling pain, I’d kick the shit outta you.

I want to make truethoughts.net untitled-3.psd so bad!

Why do I sleep so damn much!?

Why can’t I stop jacking off!?

Why does my mom have such a bad temper!?

Why is counter strike so much fun!?

Why am I so mean!?

Why am I letting the world know I jack off!?

Father I want to live for you. I ask for strength and determination to flow in me always. Yes God I want it hard but please walk with me… I will not go unless you come with me. This will be my schedule, please check up on me:

Sleep by 12:00 am.
Up at 6:00 am.

Give me hell Father, for my goal is the worthy prize in the end. I’m stepping it up for you; help me make you proud.

Humbled,
Your Soldier.

To the other guy: One of me is a thousand of you.

My eyes opened wider when I saw the white hair I had. I knew I had them, but there are a lot now. Am I living a stressful life? When I look at a 9th grader in high school, it is somewhat amazing to remember I lived by myself when I was that age… I took the plane by myself from Taiwan to this place when I was in 5th grade, and I had to cook for myself in 1st grade. I had no parents from as far as my memory can reach. I got to grow up faster, but I don’t think I’ll ever understand the sacrifices. It doesn’t matter though, what I don’t know can’t hurt me. I feel like a stray cat, forced to learn the tricks of life and stay alive. My life used to be so hard and full of scars…

But look at me now,
I have everything.

eBay

Man… it is ALL ABOUT FLASH!

Sites like gmunk.com and 2advanced.com blows me away; still images just cannot stand next to moving animations. I come back to my shitty website with the stupid twitching flower and I just want to crumple it up and toss it in the trash can.

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I just watched the movie A Beautiful Mind. I thought to myself at the end: If I was Nash, Kalle would never stay with me. But then I ask myself if I would stay for her, and the answer is I don't know. Then I learned something, but I'm not sure how to tell it.

A great movie can really stir hearts to love its characters.

I've been talking to Kalle a lot lately and many thoughts have been filling my mind; I need to pray. My shadow finds me as always, and my heart tightens. I try to love but the images won't stop replaying in my mind.

If I was a an Emperor in the old days of China there are a few people I'd like to kill.

It is the sense of constant distraction and excitement; I believe I have a crush on her.

There are many things to love about her, but there are also reasons against my feelings. Plus my emotional senses have been in a state of confusion lately, I shouldn’t trust myself too much. It is comforting to know that she is a girl of faith and respect though, I need that.

Sometimes I wonder if she likes me too. She always seems to be aware of my actions when we’re in the same room, and her face isn’t all that a bright one when I am laughing with other girls. But they could just be coincidence or imagination inspired by my hopeful mind.

I do feel if I want to pursue this it would require much patience. But hey, like that’s anything new. And in this case, the longer it takes means the more respectful of a girl she is.

Oh yeah, I probably will need some luck too.

NOBODY is there for me when I need someone.

You know you’re really just a talker. Talk is cheap, it really is. There is a reason people do things for people, and there is a reason some people are passive. What is the difference between someone who talks and acts and someone who just talks: one is full of shit. It’s okay though, because I love you and you have trained me to try to turn my head away from the things you don’t do. I hate to say this but I watch every step you make. Every word you claim and every move you somehow don’t find unworthy to make. I will never ask you for anything, especially because I have given you so much. But still I am watching, every emotion you share and every decision of love and care you choose to skip.

Damn you.

Great news, I’m getting a new computer:

Intel D850MV Pentium-4 Motherboard
400Mhz Bus/Ultra-100 IDE Controller/AGP 4X
Intel Pentium-4 1.8Ghz CPU w/ Intel Cooling Fan
512MB RDRAM (400Mhz, Mfg. Certified)
1.44MB Floppy Drive (Sony)
18.3GB SCSI Hard Drive, 15000rpm (Seagate Cheetah)
80.0 GB Ultra-100 ATA HD, 7200rpm (Seagate Barracuda)
Ultra-160 SCSI Controller (Adaptec 29160)
16x IDE DVD-ROM Drive (Sony)
24xW/10xRW/40xR IDE CDRW Drive (Plextor)
AGP Video Card w/ 32MB DDR (Matrox G550 Dual)
2 of 17” LCD Panels (Brand TBA)
High speed 2 Serial, 1 Parallel and 4 USB Port
10/100baseT, RJ-45, PCI NIC (3COM 3C905CTX)
Integrated AC97 Sound Card
CNATX Mid-tower Case w/ 300W UL Power Supply
Optical PS2/USB Mouse, 5-Button (Microsoft Intelli-Eye)
Internet Keyboard, PS2 (Microsoft)

Now look, I know I spend a lot of money, but I rarely spend money when it comes to things for myself (food is an exception though.) After much thought and advice: My computer is my tool; it is what I use to bring home the bacon, therefore it deserves to be top of the line and best of the best.

Stop looking at me like that!!

I already have ideas for truethoughts.net “Untitled-3.psd”. Not only will it be richer with pictures, it will also be more interactive. I have the most fun in the world when I design for myself…

Somehow when I used the word “design” just now I felt ashamed… I don’t think I deserve to use that word. People like gmunk.com or even floodgear.com deserve to use it, but not I.

I am just a firefly.

Top truethoughts.net search strings (what people type in search engines to get here):

downloadable romeo void videos
brian mcknight video asian love of my life
getting circumcised
girls workingout
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halle barry naked
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tatyana m. ali (fucked pictures)
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uncircumcised circumcised pictures
ws_ftp pro crack

So it has been much more than just fun and meeting people; in the midst of the craziness, the overworked expression of “brotherhood” might have actually secretly held us together.

I don’t think I’ve ever experienced being forced to let something go, forced to cut my own rope in half so I can no longer hang on. Although I’m glad there really are no regrets, I wish things didn’t have to be this way. Yet, as I take a look at what has happened in this 7 weeks, should I be glad of what I’ve gained or should I weep over what I have to give up on? I always like to remind myself to be content, but I can’t help shaking my head when I am constantly reminded of the people I’ve let down. So I ask myself: what would I feel 1 week from now? 3 weeks from now? 2 months? 1 year? The best thing I can do for myself is to not think about the things I’ve missed.

There will be plenty.

So there won’t be 7, but 6. Although there was once a short dream of 8, somehow I feel that dream has lived on. Keep strong brothers, you deserve what is coming your way. Strength and honor to the T, #7 will now step out of the battle.

Good shit,
A brother

What do you do if you're in need of a computer?
Go to Frys and buy the best one you can find.

But it cost money?!
Just make sure you return it within 30 days.

Worked all night... very tired...

I finally moved this site to the new server and uploaded the first truethoughts.net.

If I could fast forward time, I'd make it Christmas.

Father I need strength… miles and miles of strength…I am running with the very last drop of my sweat and I’m not sure if I can carry myself from falling… Be with me… don’t… let… the… fire….. die…

I’m sorry baby for what I did; I never want to disrespect you.

Right now I feel like I love everybody, but I probably don’t.

Day 3 of the 40 day fast ended with much victory; let’s keep this up myself and I.

Is it just me or has God really been working hard lately?

How come Yvonne still isn’t calling?

I love you baby, or Kalle, whatever.

I started a corporation at the age of 19!!

Spike STILL isn’t growing… c’mon Spike… what’s wrong?

Good night
Chris

Words cannot express how drained I am right now.

When tonight was all over, I wanted to call Kalle…. Does that mean I’m weak? I wanted to call, but then I thought who am I to wake her up at this hour just to talk to me? So I didn’t. I really want to call though… It’s amazing how much self control I have when I’m not under the influence. Yvonne didn’t call me yesterday nor today, maybe she thinks I’m mad at her. I will call her tomorrow.

I think the best form of compliment is when you matter a great deal to someone who is not related to you directly. What an honest achievement that is. I send this compliment to these individuals in no particular order:

Kalle
Andrew
Glen

I am so tired…

So how can anyone not believe the power of prayer? Oh yeah, it’s because they’ve never seen it.

Perhaps it was coincidence; perhaps it wasn’t. I don’t think I’ve ever seen Glen so down in my entire life. His loneliness reminded me of my own… how horrible were those days… I prayed a lot for Glen; it was the focus of my prayers from the time I found out to the end of his suffering. Sunday, I brought it up during the teachers’ meeting, and Doug stopped the meeting so we could all pray for Glen. Andrew told me he brought it up during Friday’s prayer meeting, and all of them were praying for Glen too. Then, Sunday night, Glen told me everything was just fine. I was quite speechless; I thought Glen would continue to hurt for some time. Maybe the prayers really didn’t help at all, but I’m just glad I was there for him. If I was me 2 years ago, I wouldn’t have hung up with Ivan to talk to Glen. Oh well, at least I, believe it was the power of prayers. Thank you God!

I’m so grateful for everything I have, I really am. I wish I can be like God and spend 100% of myself with all my precious friends and families.

Innodio Inc. is going to take over; MediumCube rocks, all you other hosting companies better lay low.

Hey, I know you’d be reading this… I love you. Thank you. I love you.

I am sexy.

I can’t sleep, and I know I really need to be sleeping.

Kalle’s birthday just passed, but I didn’t get anything for her. I don’t really feel bad, instead, I feel sad. I used to take everything special occasion as an opportunity to impress her with something thoughtful; I loved doing it too. I really miss those days sometimes, and only I could understand the very special way that I miss it. I wish someone recorded my life for me so I can watch it. I’ll probably learn a lot from it. I wonder how I look like during sex.

I used to think Andrew was so lucky that he gets to play drums during praise. Now I think I’m so lucky because I get to dance all I want during praise.

Glen here. Somewhere, in an alternate reality, I believe there is a perfect world. I say this because I'm still reeling in pain from the recent tragedy, and on a more personal note, the death of a friend back in June.

His name was Max, a.k.a Mad Max or Warn. If you've ever seen his graffiti in the LA area, know that before he died, he'd been painting graffiti since he was in fourth grade, which would mean he'd been painting for around 10 years. At one time, he was a member of Soul Control, but he left on his own initiative. He died in a skateboarding accident, from what I hear. I wouldn't know, because I was still in Seattle when it all happened. I found from Leo, a member of his former crew, out in August, while I was in Las Vegas. Leo talked about it like it wasn't that big of a deal, because I guess it wasn't, but when I found out I was hit pretty hard.

I looked up to Max, I really did. I didn't see him much, but whenever I did, I was inspired by him as an individual; you don't often find people who are just fucking cool like he was. It's so weird knowing that I'll never see him again. When I asked Kujo, he was like, "yep, he's gone." I guess Pops just knows that he has to move on about it. I'm still lingering on it. I remember I saw Carlos at Summit by himself, and I thought it was weird, because he and Max would always go to jams together. Now that I know why, I wonder how that must have been for him, the first jam that Max wasn't there.

It would be like, how would I feel if Chris suddenly died? Or my brother? Or Putri, especially. I can't imagine taking Chris's screen name off my buddy list, because I won't ever talk to him again. I can't imagine coming home to get together with my family, and knowing Jason can't be there. And don't even get me started on how utterly fucking lost I would be if something happened to Putri. Why do fucked up things happen to good people?

With my limited comprehension of quantum physics, I like to believe that there are alternate realities where the changing of the spin of a single particle can avert something like the skateboarding accident Max was in. If enough of these particles change, there's gotta be a world out there where everything is perfect. If not, I guess it doesn't really matter. But I'm still going to hold onto my belief that Max is alive in an alternate reality, and I don't have a reason to be sad right now.

Brothers and sisters... I NEED your prayers and accountability... I am nothing but a weak man with a weak mind who desperately needs Him in my life. I need to LIVE differently; I need transformation.

Not tomorrow.
.
.
.
Fuck you satan; you can’t touch me.

Status on all the girls is as follows:

Girl #1 (K): I am more convinced as each day go by that she and I can only be friends. Especially when I learn more and more as each day go by that there are better girls out there; I don’t need to settle. Yes, with her, I would have to settle.

Girl #2 (Y): I feel I’m out of her league. I am content just as her friend, but I can’t help desiring beyond friendship when I see the qualities in her that I adore. Unfortunately, qualities I despise I do see in her as well. Time will tell.

Girl #3 (T): Still the sweet, pretty girl. However, going no where here either :( We’ll see, it’s too soon to tell. I haven’t spent enough time with her yet.

Girl #4 (M): It’s over. VERY over.

Girl #5 (A): Dang… tell me this girl is not like this around other guys. When we took pictures, she was leaning all up against me. When I was lying down on my stomach, she sat on my hand… but I’m not sure which part of her was on my hand. I didn’t want to look. When we hugged goodbye, she pressed her “poonany” against me! Dang girl! What are you doing? Lord give me strength!

Due to that the above information are sensitive materials, I chose to number them instead of naming them. That’s the only way to still write whatever I want without causing me trouble.

if I die
and you feel responsible
know that I don’t blame you
and I just want you to be happy

My heart breaks, it truly breaks, for all you disbelievers. Yes, my finger is pointing at you. It is pointing straight at you even as you may accuse me of being prideful, self-righteous, and wrong. What the fuck are you waiting for? We are running out of time! I crush my teeth crying out loud to Him, desperate, and weak. Don’t you know that I love you? Stop believing the lies! You CANNOT keep living on the way you do and think you will be okay at the end, LIES! So I beg you! Put your pride away for once and just try meeting Him, He WILL meet you. This is our wakeup call! Damn it! WHY ARE YOU SO STUPID! LET’S PRAY!!

Finally finished dad’s website charlestmathews.com; he deserves a good website.

Andrew and I carried out the first Operation H2 today at the Block; it was good. The first set of targets we approached rejected us too quickly. Not only did they reject us, they also ran away. The second set of targets rejected us also, and the time it took was just about the same. But the soldiers were determined and unwavering; they carried the rifle and marched on. The third and last set of targets were Japanese, and they were friendly. Really, those Japanese girls were really cool; their sincerely smiles and giggles were the most beautiful images of the night. It took longer than I expected, but I didn’t mind. I’m actually really diggin’ this photography stuff; I wish I have a digital camera. I’ll post the pictures up sometime soon.

VMA 2001 was a disappointment; they were very disorganized. The best part of the show was when THE king of pop showed up, but then Justin was being a fag trying to be cool; I wish someone had bitch slapped him.

I talked to Britney Spears online the other day; I’m going to steal her away from Justin.

Tonight is the last night Andrew’s here with us at 2D; I am quite sad.

Seda called me today; it was a pleasing surprise.

I try so hard to love him, to not talk about his faults. But not only is he so fucked up that I have to hold myself back from talking about the endless faults of him, he’s a fuckin’ prick. I HATE fake people, I fuckin’ HATE fake people. Sometimes I feel he DESERVES all the shit people talk about him. Even his “best friend” talk shit about him, telling us everyone in his home town hate him. Damn, when everyone says one thing then it must not be a lie. FUCKIN ROOMMATE!

Dear Me:

Once again you did almost nothing today. Well, sure, you worked out, talked on the phone, and did some work for Roland. But you know you wanted to spend your day better than that. So… You thought Bonnie was really cute today eh? She’s a Christian, a virgin, and she has a good personality… Maybe? We’ll see… Time will, as always, tell. And Morgan, true, she’s too many miles away from you. But hey, you gotta admit she’s got some nice qualities too. Plus, she appreciates you, isn’t that what you’ve always wanted? Hmm… What about Kalle? Mom screwed it all up didn’t she? Now you’re wondering again… Don’t forget, personalities don’t change. She’s never going to appreciate you as much you want her to… and… You’re the jealous type, and she doesn’t like that. What if she cheats on you!? Don’t lie to me, I know in your heart you believe she cheated on you with Will. Yeah yeah, cheating, betraying, act of unfaithfulness, same shit. You’re only scared to say she cheated on you because you know she doesn’t think she did and she gets mad when she hears you say that. Well fuck that, it’s about you right now, all about you… and God I suppose. But damn, you’re a pimp, that’s 3 girls we just went over… plus, you’re gonna see Tina and Yumi next year too… sigh… so many girls so little real possibilities eh? No!! You must be desire free! Don’t forget that! And stop being a hypocrite! Do things in secret! Haha, that rhymed… damn we’re really poets aren’t we? By the way, do you really think you can hold off sex until marriage? You know, if I had to put money on that, I’d say you can’t. You know it’s absolutely OVER when you see a hot chick with tight pants and the evil T… well… maybe you can… after all, you do surprise me sometimes… surprises are good. You were such a WEAKSAUCE today! What kind of workout was that? I give you until the end of first quarter to hit the 45s. You gotta work on your shoulders man… A man ain’t no man if he can’t look good in a suit! You gotta work on looking good naked too, that’s important! Your wife wants you to look good naked too! And you better not be a minute man! Okay, you need to go to sleep now. Wakeup before 12 tomorrow so you can get crackin’. Goodnight.

I never thought I’d actually get to redesigning this site, but I did. It definitely took sometime, and I’m pleased with it.

So I finally watched The Family Man, and for some reason I feel like I should have watched it long ago. Perhaps it’s true; perhaps it is a bad movie like people said. But I didn’t find it so, at all. Could we have been that happy if she never left? I hope so… “I choose us…” How nice would it be to hear those words from her... Damn it, why didn’t she choose us? I chose us… why didn’t she?

Maybe she’s really not the one… it’s so hard to believe that completely. So where are you? Have I met you yet? I can’t wait to see you… see the one that’s going to make me incredibly happy. And I’ll make you happy too. Hey… thank for all that you will do for me, thank you… and, I love you.

Glen here again. Wow, if you haven't done so yet, be sure to read Chris's entries and talk to him when you can. I guess I'm feeling guilty for being really harsh with Chris the other day, so I'm just posting this now so that he knows I'm sorry and I don't have to directly tell him that I'm sorry, because I'm just not good at that kind of thing.

I'm not exactly sure how or when it happened, but I serio